The Rally
Illustration by Zachary Borromeo
CAROLINIANS!
I am Fick Shore-Head running under the proud banner of the Black Party. I want to change my name to [[microphone interference]], because this election is not about “I”. It’s about “U”!
You know, CAROLINIANS, have you ever tried going to school, entering your class and listening to your teacher? Have you ever tried paying 2000 pesos as down payment for your tuition? Have you ever even tried running late because of a jeepney strike?
I HAVE. And I find no problem in that! I am part of the silent majority, who did not vote last year because as much as I want to go to the nearest voting station, the teachers would still fail me if I didn’t attend my classes! I am here to support your cause of indifference, CAROLINIANS!
Q: Without your credentials, what are you as a candidate?
A: First, my credentials are very difficult to strip away from my identity. Let’s discuss them one-by-one. Let us challenge the status quo like the COMELEC timer.
A “Former Child” cannot be NOT a FORMER CHILD! Yes, CAROLINIANS, you may think this credential is useless, but how many times did you truly experience being a child in the past? I was a consistent FORMER CHILD from 1994 to 2007!
I also believe you cannot strip away how I have co-authored many provisions that rekindle the student movement! Locomotors and non-locomotors! I am so proud of the badminton clinic in the stadium I organized — even though only seven people attended. I can remember how they looked so content passing out under the sun! You cannot take this memory — this credential — from ME!
I also—
Q: You say you can sympathize with the oppressed students. Can you give us a concrete example?
A: I was only nine, no, fifty-nine seconds past the one-minute limit in my previous answer, but COMELEC had the guts to cut me off. This, CAROLINIANS, is a sign of oppression here inside USC!
Another was a time when I attended Rizal class! Next question, please.
Q: Do you have statistical data to prove you have the potential to be a great councilor?
A: I would like to reiterate that documents pertaining to my performance are not similar to my allowance. Seriously, let’s be fair here. Who’d bring statistical data to events like this? Like seriously?
Q: What is your opinion on the student publication?
A: Hmmm… that’s tricky. But, CAROLINIANS, I surely didn’t bring the publication back on its feet.
Q: Are you trying to act like the minority, so that your party will get our vote?
A: No, being the minority for our party is the truth. I have to reiterate that there are two types of minorities: the oppressed minority and the TRUE minority. We are the TRUE minority because our average age is below 18 years old! Let us EMPOWER the TRUE minority to have A VOICE and take A STAND, CAROLINIANS!
Q: I believe you are here to fight for the students, but do you know the meaning of terms in the context of the SSC Constitution?
A: We HAVE an SSC Constitution? Well, that’s new for me.
Audience’s audible whispers:
Sophie from audience: We have one?
Callie from audience: We have one, but we don’t know what’s in it.
Isagani from audience: Naa’y e-book si Ma’am Babi ana?
Van from audience: Wala, pero ma-LibGen ug ma-SciHub ra man daw na.
Q: It appears that even though you have no experience, your party chose you because of your name. What is your say on this?
A: I do believe that a candidate’s ability to make puns out of their names after EVERY SINGLE TIME they make a speech is an important criterion in assessing their performance in the SSC. This is politics. I don’t make the rules, but I have to play the game.
Again, I am Fick, but I want to change my name to [[microphone interference]], because this election is not about “I”. It’s about “U”, CAROLINIANS!
Q: They say the Black Party belongs to the extreme left of the political spectrum. How can you embody this?
A: Who cares if I do not know what the extreme LEFT is, as long as I am protecting student RIGHTS? Yes, it is evident that I am not raised to be in the extreme LEFT because well, yeah… I mean maybe sharing stuff with others can get you AIDS. It’s catchy. I’m scared.
Q: If we strip away your color, who are you?
A: First, BLACK is the absence of color. BLACK is the void that encourages me, CAROLINIANS, to do the student movement to walk to Jollibee and contemplate on ways of convincing you NOT to vote rival candidates. CAROLINIANS, without BLACK, we — all of us — would not be here right now!
Q: Convince a five-year-old to vote for you.
A: I have five pesos.
Q: Any final words?
A: CAROLINIANS!
I am Fick Shore-Head running under the proud banner of the Black Party. I want to change my name to [[microphone interference]], because this election is not about “I”. It’s about “U”!
You know, CAROLINIANS, have you ever tried going to school, entering your class and listening to your teacher? Have you ever tried paying 2000 pesos as down payment for your tuition? Have you even ever tried running late because of a jeepney strike?
I HAVE. And I find no problem in that! I am part of the silent majority, who did not vote last year because as much as I want to go to the nearest voting station, the teachers would still fail me if I didn’t attend my classes! I am here to support your cause of indifference, CAROLINIANS!
To be honest, I was forced to practice that speech and nothing else. My bad if I have to repeat it again and again.
